Stuck in quicksand...

I feel sometimes that everyone around me is changing and growing and I am standing still. My sister and brother in law just celebrated their year anniversary and welcomed a son, my cousin and her husband just celebrated a year and soon, their son will be here. I was catching up with old friends the other day, and two of them have gotten married. My best friend from college has a child and has gotten married. More and more wedding invitations and baby shower invites flood my mailbox these days.
I have to admit, I am starting to feel a little left out. I love being a mother, it is without a doubt the most profoundly moving, difficult and beautiful thing I have ever done, or will do, but I am also a woman, a woman who wants and deserves love. More than the love Kayla has for me, more than the love of my family and friends. I want romantic love. And lately it feels like it will never happen.
I don't know how to fix this problem. I don't have much of an opportunity to meet men at my job. Childcare doesn't generally attract available men. I go out on the weekends and the market seems so dismal. I used to love the thrill of the chase, the flirty looks across the bar, the seductive dancing, the buying of drinks and applying of lip gloss. The enticement of a stranger. The carelessness of attraction. I still love the social scene, going to a bar, dancing, but I am not getting anywhere. The men are not interested in a long term connection, only a one night stand, someone to kiss in the dark corners, to stumble out of the bar with. And I can't go there. Not now, not when I have the example I have to be to Kayla in my head at all times. I am not afforded friviolity anymore. I have to be wise in my love life, so as to not harm Kayla. I won't have guys going in and out of her life, toying with her emotions and confusing her. I also strive to find someone who loves Kayla, loves her like I love her, like everyone in her life loves her. This task seems impossible. To find a man, my age, reasonably attractive, with a job, intelligent, who loves Kayla and who treats me well, who is ready for the responsibilities of us, our baggage, our craziness, seems like it will never happen.
I have recently sought an alternative dating experience. I signed up for online dating, at the urge of my boss. I have had lots of emails, and one seems worthwhile. But I am so nervous, and hesistant, about bridging the gap between a computer screen and real life. There is no accounting for accuracy, truth and of course, the ever elusive chemistry. So maybe it happens, maybe it doesn't.
In the meantime, how do I get over the feeling of being stuck in quicksand- not being able to move from where I am? The whole world seems to be in love and procreating...where do I sign up for that? I have a child, maybe I shouldn't complain when there are some people who can't have children, but I want more, and I want that unspoken support system of a significant other. I want to be worn out from children using me as their own personal jungle gym all day and come home to someone who will just wordlessly soothe me. I want things to be easier, even if that means just knowing that someone else will read Kayla a book tonight so I can have five minutes peace. I'm not pretending every day will be great, love is messy sometimes, a lot of times, and I crave that too. I am ready for all of it, that human connection in all its complexities.
So here I am, ready for the next step. I've done all I can do on my own. I have a house, I have a car, I am in school, I am raising a child...so now I am ready to carve a corner out for love, once again.