5

Kayla,
You turned 5 today my baby girl. I can hardly believe it. I can remember so distinctly the day you were born, the smells, the sounds, the feelings. I remember hearing your first cry. I remember the first time I saw your face and loving you more than I loved anything else in the world, or ever will. It feels like it happened two seconds ago, yet it feels like you have been the center of my world forever. My life before you, baby girl, was nothing. I thought I saw the world in color. I thought I knew love. But then you arrived and I discovered color. I knew love. You opened the world to me. You changed my perspective. And now, love, 5 years together.
Look how far we have come. We have traveled from those first alone months when I knew nothing of myself, of how to be a mother, of crying and missing and adapting to the here and now- strong, confident in ourselves, smart, thriving. We have made it baby girl. You taught me all I needed along the way. You have inspired me to be the best I can be in all areas of my life, but most especially as a mother. I have done the best I could with what I have been given. Always know that. More important than material possessions, I have tried to give you a sense of self. I tried to show you and promote in you independence. I tried to make sure you knew you deserve nothing but the best. Do not settle. Ask questions. Love freely. Think wisely. Be kind. Read. Smile. Laugh. These are the seeds I planted over these 5 years.
I have given all of that to you, but oh what you have given to me. Its beyond words. You gave me the will to survive in my darkest days. You gave me courage. You gave me your smile. Your eyes. You have given me a sense of purpose. You are the reason for me. I have no doubt of that fact. We were pre-destined to be a team. I am so grateful to whoever chose you for me. I love being your mom. I love the funny, brilliant things you say. I love your face, so like my own. I love your curiousity and your thirst for knowledge. I love how much you love your family and friends. I love that you are so adaptable and already so strong.
In 5 years we have gone from 3 pounds, so tiny but resilient in the NICU, me yearning so hard to have you home, crying to the bottom of myself when we had to leave you to now, 32 pounds, healthy, absolutely filled with personality and light and me, doing this fantastic juggling act with you everyday, coping, surviving. We're making it, and I love every step of our journey.
More than where we came from, I look forward to where we are going. These first 5 years have been magical. You have brought me new levels of joy every day. I so look forward to the next 5 and all of those after. Thank you for being you, Kayla MacKenzie. And thank you for making me better and for letting me be your mom.

Love Always,
Mommy

Update

First, let me apologize for the long, long absence. I am still new to the blog thing, but suspect I wouldn't be a novice anymore if I only just BLOGGED MORE and hoping that this year will be the year I finally embrace it fully.
What's new in my life? Everything and nothing, it seems. I am still working full time, raising Kayla to the best of my abilities, and trying to make all the pieces fit together into a cohesive puzzle. I have also added taking care of Cutter into the mix. For a few months, while my sister was away seeking treatment, I had primary and sole responsibility for Cutter. He is now in school (child care) at the center I teach at, along with Kayla, really thriving there, and is on a very consistent sleep schedule. I also have him on WIC and got all his shots updated. To all you former and current military families, I don't know how you deal with that NAAC! I was there for-ev-er! He is a good boy and it has been an honor to care for him. I realize now that if I ever have another child, there will be room there to love him or her as much as I love Kayla. You never think there will be, but I love Cutter just as much as I love her, would fight and die for him just as I would for her, and its nice to know that my heart has the capacity to open and love and expand like that for more than one person.
My sister is home now, and going to meetings and trying to do the right things to recover. She will never be cured, of course, and its a long, hard road now and in the future, but she is making the effort.
Dating...hmmm....when do I have time to actually conduct a fulfilling and productive adult romantic relationship? Especially when the free time I do have to myself I would rather spend just like that-by myself? I have been dating a man for a year now...we don't want to label anything, but he has met Kayla and I have met his daughter. We have ups and downs, and in the end, I know we will be good friends for the long haul if nothing else. It has been very interesting to date again. For the first few years of Kayla's life, I stayed in the house and cared for her. Nursed the hurt parts of me. Of which there were many. Many, many parts. I didn't want to meet anyone. I wanted to be her mommy, and just selfishly love her. Didn't want to share her with anyone. And didn't think she deserved to share me with anyone. So inside I was, not meeting anyone, healing and yes, being bitter and lonely. At some point, and I wish I could tell you when that was, enough became enough. I realized that I deserved and wanted someone there for me, someone other than my daughter and my family. They make me feel wonderful, but romantic love is different than any other love, and I wanted a piece of that back, to feel like a woman and not just someone's mom. I wanted to put on makeup and a cute outfit and get back out there, reclaim small pieces of me that I have stifled for the years I first spent raising Kayla. I eventually wanted a life with someone, a support system, more children, and I was not going to find that sitting in my house watching television and reading magazines. Getting out wasn't just about meeting men. It was about taking back some time for me, to spend with girlfriends, dance, feel 20 something instead of the 50 something my head actually feels. So out I went.
At first, I suffered my unique brand of mommy guilt, even when she was with her father, and safe and happy. She never suffered as a result of my social life, and never will. If anything, she is happier because Mommy is happier. Happier because she gets a little makeup and hair straightened when I do mine. So I pushed it aside and tried to enjoy myself. I faked it until I made it. I saw that Kayla was suffering no ill effects from me being out every now and then, so I loosened up. I danced, I laughed, I flirted. I felt like Melissa again, not Kayla's mom. And its okay to feel like that.
I still wasn't dating though. I was collecting numbers and meeting people, but honestly, no one compares to Kayla. You have to be really special for me to want to take time away from her, and no one I met in those first few months was. I didn't click with anyone, so I just kept my course. I focused on my own fun and spending time with my friends. Then when I least expected it, I made a connection with someone. And he has turned into a very valuable support system for me, and a true friend to Kayla. Commitment may or may not be in our future, no one can tell, but we operate on a system of honesty and mutual admiration and just take things one day at a time. It works, for now. It works for us.
Not to say there are not bumps in the road. I met a man about a month ago, and there was that instant connection, that moment that the world just stopped...and I wanted to pursue it. So I did, I was honest and said, this might be something and followed my heart. And in the end, I was wrong. We like each other, but he is not in the position to deal with all the things loving me comes with, mainly kids and my family and the baggage of maintaining a relationship with a man I once loved for the sake of my child. I understand that. Sometimes my life overwhelms me, and I live it everyday. Its not the easiest situation to walk into. I get it. But let me tell you, being a mother and having that perpective doesn't make it any easier to handle rejection. Even if its all the circumstances surrounding me but NOT literally me that is being rejected, it is still disappointing and sucks. It still hurts. But I move on and adapt. And in the meantime I have Kayla, and Cutter's, smiles to light me up. I have the greatest friends in the world, who support and love me and make me laugh when I need it the most. I have a tremendous family. I have love, in many forms.
I am returning to school sometime this month. I couldn't be happier about this. I will be doing online classes. I am probably about two years out from my Bachelor's, but its going to happen. I made that promise to myself, and to my mother, years ago. I want to use my brain again for academic purposes, to stimulate myself. To achieve goals I long ago determined to be of value to me. To make Kayla proud. To make more money at work! My plan is to pursue my Bachelor's in Early Childhood Education and get certified to teach at one point or another. I can't imagine ever teaching higher than preschool, its just where my heart is. I can teach younger, and have done older, but I feel like I have found a true calling in the 3 and 4 year olds, and most specifically in this field and this center. I love where I work, most of the time, but I do want to advance and better myself and my career. Yes, I can say now that I truly feel like this is a career path I am on, not just a job. Funny, I used to think that Journalism, writing, would be my future, my career, but now, with the twists and turns my life has taken, I see that writing will always be an interest, a passion, a part of me, but it will never be the way I earn my living, at least not totally. That makes me sad, slightly, but its part of growing up to realize that dreams I held at 18 are not dreams I can and should fulfill at 28. Being a teacher is also something I have envisioned for myself, and a more realistic and attainable career. So its what I will pursue. And its just as worthwhile, if not more so, than being a writer. Its not giving up, its expanding a dream. And I am okay with that.
I think for right now, that is all. 2010 promises many things, but nothing is set in stone. As always, we are evolving, changing, moving and adapting at the speed life is taking us. We are always a team, Kayla and I, growing stronger and better with each day. We bring each other the most joy and love. We have goals. We have each other. We are on this ride together, and I can imagine no better partner in crime than my baby girl, my whole heart.
Until next time...

And no one talked to me...

So today was day two of Kayla's swimming lessons at the Mystic Education Center. The first week I had a friend from work to sit and talk with. This week, she went in the water with her son. As I scrambled in 5 minutes late, hurried Kayla into the water and took a seat in the bleachers, I realized I was on one side of the great divide, and these other mothers fell squarely on the other. Now, we all have children younger than 10, some older than Kayla, some younger by a few months, most right about her age. This, my friends, is where the similarities end. These women all were over 30, most closer to 40. Most carried that haughty tooty "Mystic housewife" air about them. You know, they all talked about their perfect, well behaved children and their husbands, and laughed those conspiratorial laughs of perfection as they waved around their beautiful, big diamonds and expensive braclets and such. They wore the "Mom uniform"- trouser jeans or authentic Aidas track pants, button downs, unstained long sleeved tee shirts and SHUDDER clogs. Sorry, mommies, my jeans are bootcut only- with stretch. I happened to be wearing a black and gray leopard print tee shirt, certainly not a button down. I rocked my Reeboks...and last week I rocked my heart print Airwalks. My finger is indeed void of ring of any form, most especially a diamond. Their hair was groomed and makeup impeccable...even in the heat of the pool...my hair was up, thrown into some form of a bun/ ponytail combo. Last night's glitter eye makeup is still sparkling in bits and pieces on my face, not to be outshined by the giant bags under my eyes from being up too late. And there were certainly no tattoos in sight...yet you could see part of my Kayla tattoo plain as day, and Kayla was sporting a Sleeping Beauty fake tattoo on her forearm. Now what is my point? I love who I am. I love who I am as a person, 27 years old, independent, chaotic, neurotic, obsessive, fun, full of love and life and sometimes yes a bit crazy. I love what I am as a mother, the steady presence, the one to go the extra mile and stick my neck out and take on what needs to be taken on to for Kayla, her protector, her biggest fan, but also fun and the mother who just wants to give her everything, whether its always within my means or not. Me having tattoos, or not wearing Mom jeans or rocking a big diamond, does not make me any less of a mother, any less of a woman than the women I encountered tonight are. I know lots of moms like me, in their 20's, single, tattooed, dressed stylishly, and this holds true for them too. They are good moms, hardworking moms, moms that would do anything for their kids. Yet the fact remains that not one mother spoke to me. And they looked pitingly at Kayla in the locker room as she cried because she didn't want to go home, like poor baby and her trashy single mom. Well guess what, she has a mother who is just as good as you are, maybe not as old, but just as good. Why did I let these women get to me? I felt self concious, even though I felt no need to offer apologies for who I or Kayla are. We are ourselves, beautiful, whole, imperfect, and you can take us or leave us. I just hate feeling, in the year 2009, when there are more single mothers in this country than ever, that we are a rare, unfortunate and inconvinent breed. I have very few places I have felt out of place, but this was one of them, because in their silence, it was unspoken that I threw off their secure, married, middle aged ratio. Well, let me tell you...half of all marriages end in divorce so at some point, one of those women will be a single mom. They just won't be as young or stylish attired to find themselves a man as I am...I jest, I jest, but I am serious about feeling outcast. I hate the Mommy competition. Old, young, inked, non-tattooed, polished or unkempt, we should all just come together and realize that as women, as mothers, we need to build ourselves up and not tear each other down. If we want our children to be accepting of everyone, to love themselves, how can we show them exactly the opposite? I don't have tolerance for the cattiness, the judgements of women. I want Kayla, as a woman, to be accepting, to love herself free from and in spite of the judgements of others, and to not succumb to the pressures women place on each other. These women proved to me tonight I have a lot of work to do as the mother of a girl in order to break the cycle. Quite a bit.

You know what's beautiful...

Today, Kayla and I were driving on a road that parallels the Thames River. She stopped whatever she had been saying, because in truth I was only half listening, and said, "Mommy, you know what's beautiful?" I said, "You are!" and then she said, with such seriousness and thoughtfulness you would have assumed she was much older, "No Mommy, the water is beautiful. I love living at the water." And there you have it, the simplicity of the world through a three year old eyes. And the more amazing piece of this is that I feel precisely the same way, always have. Growing up in a coastal town where you can taste the salt coming off the water if the wind happens to blow right, its always been such a blessing to me. Water is a great source of comfort and peace to me, instilled in me since my earliest days. And apparently, instilled in Kayla too. I am so glad that wordlessly, effortlessly, my love of the water, my appreciation for it, its beauty, all that is, has been passed onto her. I am so grateful to be raising my child in the town I grew up in, so close to all the things that have defined my life, my memories. We drove to Bluff Point today, and just sat and looked and talked. I can't wait for the better weather, and her on her bike, taking the trails. I want her to know the places that have meant something to me, for us to share the universal experience of this place. It may be a miserable town at times, but its our town! The roots of our family run deep here, and I am so thankful she will always know that. And even more thankful she is recognizing that as she gets older.

25 things about me...

Taking a cue from Erin's posting on her blog, I am also submitting a list of 25 things about me. Enjoy!

1. I am deathly afraid of squirrels and lightning. More specifically, being attacked by a squirrel or getting struck by lightning.

2. I collect shot glasses. I have a lot from different colleges my friends have attended, states, places. They're lined up on a shelf above my kitchen sink.

3. I have a mild bordering on moderate obsession with the color pink. Any and all shades.

4. My new favorite color to wear is green. Like classic, Crayola green. One of the women at work calls it my signature color.

5. I want to dye my hair this really pretty, shiny burgundy color.

6. I have loved Gone With the Wind and Grease for more years than I can remember.

7. I would have loved to have met Janis Joplin, more specifically go see her in concert. I love her music.

8. I am coveting high priced Britney Spears and Keith Urban/Sugarland tickets. All over $100. I can't justify that kind of money for one night, even though I would give my eye teeth (where does that expression come from, anyway?) to see Sugarland or Britney.

9. I have a major chocolate obsession. Peaked during pregnancy and still trying to wean myself down to a reasonable amount.

10. I watch Hannah Montana even when my daughter is sleeping or not home sometimes.

11. I watched Finding Nemo obsessively when I was pregnant. I would daydream about watching it with my own daughter and yesterday, I did.

12. I have a brilliant and marketable idea for a magazine, but am not sure the first step to getting it published.

13. I can't watch a movie based on a book without reading the book first.

14. I have never left my daughter with someone other than family, her daycare or a close friend to babysit her. I wouldn't even know what to pay a babysitter. The thought panics me.

15. I had a dream about the new VW Bugs that came out, the green one, about a year before they introduced them. I have preminitions and deja vu frequently.

16. I know maybe three state capitols and lack a knowledge of geography almost completely.

17. I was named after an Allman Brothers song, Melissa.

18. I was a teenager when my grandfather took our childhood playhouse out of his yard, and I cried like a baby and threw a fit.

19. I love Boston. Everything about it. I would live there in a second if it wasn't so expensive, and I didn't have Kayla to raise.

20. My sister, my nephew, my daughter and I all have the exact same blue eyes.

21. I can't say the word industry.

22. When I want to feel close to my mom, I eat Yodels.

23. I work with children. All day. Every day. Its never boring.

24. I wish I could hit the lotto and take a year off to write my book. Books.

25. Being a mother is the only thing that makes me feel alive sometimes.

Quarantined...

I thought this week would turn out to be a most memorable one, after my candidate swept the election...well I wasn't wrong, but its not memorable for that reason alone. Kayla has been struggling with a persistent rash on her nether regions for months now, since the summer. We have been to the doctor for it half a dozen times. It has gone from a staph infection, to a yeast infection to an irritation, to strep, and now, the most definitive and terrifying defintion: MRSA. Now for anyone who doesn't know what that is, its a antibotic resistant staph infection. She also has impetigo, which she has had before, and will clear up, but is still gross and itchy. When the doctor said MRSA however, I became near hysterical. MRSA has KILLED people. My mother had MRSA during her illness, and I was warned, as I was pregnant at the time, that it could be transmitted to Kayla through contact with my mother. There wasn't any concrete proof of this, and we took precautions, but I was absolutely guilt ridden and sick with myself, thinking I had caused this to happen to Kayla. There's no way to prove I didn't, but Dr. Holtzman thinks it would be HIGHLY, HIGHLY unlikely. She also assured me MRSA as it exists in the pediatric community is much less severe and life threatening then it is in within the adult community. She gave Kayla some heavy duty antibotics, only one of two known to effectively treat MRSA, and we should be on the way to a complete recovery. Being the neurotic person I am, I have been surfing the web and have discovered that 77 kids died last year from a combo of the flu and MRSA and MRSA has been linked with respiratory problems. My mind immediately goes into overdrive...one, Kayla has a cough, which she developed this week, so is it a cold or MRSA reeking havoc on her system? Two, she hasn't gotten her flu shot yet...we're due to get it Friday...is she going to end up in a very serious situation?
My whole point with this is, will I ever get to the point when I believe what a doctor tells me? I have been assured she will be all right. I have to keep her on the antibotics and I am quarantining her just because I don't want to expose anyone else to it, but I can't lose the feeling like this situation could go another way, a very scary way at any moment. I need to stop, and breath, and realize it will all be all right. In the meantime, I am not sure if my sanity will stay intact between an itching child, endless cartoons, sterlizing everything in sight, and everything else! Wish us luck!

Halloween Hoopla...and A Day with Thomas

Sorry all these pics are at the top...it wouldn't let me move them! GRR!

My favorite pic of the day...me and the kids on the carousel.

Kayla on the train...SO EXCITED!

Kayla, Malik and I at A Day with Thomas

Kayla and I as Pebbles and Wilma...yeah I know, no red hair! Bugged me all night!

The Flintstone and Rubble clan...the MODERN Stone Age family...no men! HAHA!

So, Halloween has come and gone. All in all, a very good night. I didn't find a Wilma wig, or spray my hair with the hideous red hair spray Sara found, so I was a brown haired Wilma, sans honkin' pearls as well, and that detracted from the night, but everything still went very nicely and we all had fun. Kayla skinned her knee about 5 seconds into trick or treating, but she had a wonderful night, and made out like a bandit!

Today, we went to A Day Out with Thomas the Train, the popular character on PBS. Tickets were $18 a piece, so $32 for me and Kayla. Might not sound like a lot to some people, but for me, thats a pretty big deal. I can get a lot of groceries for $32, and a lot of clothes and shoes for her too! But I decided to go, and I don't regret it at all! Kayla had never been on a train before, and we go to ride in the car right in back of Thomas (the VIP section I told her!) and she LOVED it! She loved the bus ride from the parking lot too! She was just excited by everything. After we got off the train, where she got a cute Junior Engineer certificate and where we cheered on Thomas, we got our photo taken with Thomas, and tried to get one with the kids from our camera with Thomas, but of course they didn't cooperate, and we didn't get the pic. Why do kids never cooperate when we want them to? Oh well, I have the memory, just not the photo op.

Next we spotted the free kiddie rides set up. Free! I was so excited, usually anything you go to like that, its always extra. But this was included. We did three rides, including Kayla's favorite, the carousel. That girl is looney over carousels. She also loved the Lego version of Thomas that they had set up. We skipped the magic show also included, but we did get some Thomas temp tattoos.

We headed over to the Imagination Station, where tons of Thomas tracks were set up for kids to play with, along with a Thomas viewing station, and tables of stamping and coloring activities. Kayla got her face painted and missed getting a pic with Sir Topham Hatt, which I was disappointed about. I mean, she knew he was there, and didn't care, she just wanted her face painted, and she didn't get upset at all that she didn't get her picture taken, but for me as a parent, I wanted her to say she had the experience, and on a stingy level, I wanted to get my money's worth! I know, its a bit insane, but I can't help it. Ohhh and a cute boat worker at the Steam Train hit on me. I should have given him my number. When we go back for the ride with Santa, I'll have to be on the lookout for him! HAHA!

After we hit the Imagination Station, we left, as kids all around us were having meltdowns, and ours were beginning to show signs that the fun was soon about to end in tears and tantrums. We got a cute magnet picture frame as a gift for the kids and boarded the bus back to the parking lot. All in all, we got our money's worth and I would definiteley recommend it to anyone with kids in the 2-4 range. I thought our Thomas adventure was over, but lo and behold, on our way to get lunch, Thomas chugged across the road. I tried to get some snaps, but my camera was being chintzy. Kayla saw it though, and was very excited to see him from another perspective, one last time.

The pizza place we went to topped everything off perfectly. Nice skylight and gravel floor, picnic tables and a cool juke box! AWESOME DAY!