Kayla,
You turned 5 today my baby girl. I can hardly believe it. I can remember so distinctly the day you were born, the smells, the sounds, the feelings. I remember hearing your first cry. I remember the first time I saw your face and loving you more than I loved anything else in the world, or ever will. It feels like it happened two seconds ago, yet it feels like you have been the center of my world forever. My life before you, baby girl, was nothing. I thought I saw the world in color. I thought I knew love. But then you arrived and I discovered color. I knew love. You opened the world to me. You changed my perspective. And now, love, 5 years together.
Look how far we have come. We have traveled from those first alone months when I knew nothing of myself, of how to be a mother, of crying and missing and adapting to the here and now- strong, confident in ourselves, smart, thriving. We have made it baby girl. You taught me all I needed along the way. You have inspired me to be the best I can be in all areas of my life, but most especially as a mother. I have done the best I could with what I have been given. Always know that. More important than material possessions, I have tried to give you a sense of self. I tried to show you and promote in you independence. I tried to make sure you knew you deserve nothing but the best. Do not settle. Ask questions. Love freely. Think wisely. Be kind. Read. Smile. Laugh. These are the seeds I planted over these 5 years.
I have given all of that to you, but oh what you have given to me. Its beyond words. You gave me the will to survive in my darkest days. You gave me courage. You gave me your smile. Your eyes. You have given me a sense of purpose. You are the reason for me. I have no doubt of that fact. We were pre-destined to be a team. I am so grateful to whoever chose you for me. I love being your mom. I love the funny, brilliant things you say. I love your face, so like my own. I love your curiousity and your thirst for knowledge. I love how much you love your family and friends. I love that you are so adaptable and already so strong.
In 5 years we have gone from 3 pounds, so tiny but resilient in the NICU, me yearning so hard to have you home, crying to the bottom of myself when we had to leave you to now, 32 pounds, healthy, absolutely filled with personality and light and me, doing this fantastic juggling act with you everyday, coping, surviving. We're making it, and I love every step of our journey.
More than where we came from, I look forward to where we are going. These first 5 years have been magical. You have brought me new levels of joy every day. I so look forward to the next 5 and all of those after. Thank you for being you, Kayla MacKenzie. And thank you for making me better and for letting me be your mom.
Love Always,
Mommy
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Update
First, let me apologize for the long, long absence. I am still new to the blog thing, but suspect I wouldn't be a novice anymore if I only just BLOGGED MORE and hoping that this year will be the year I finally embrace it fully.
What's new in my life? Everything and nothing, it seems. I am still working full time, raising Kayla to the best of my abilities, and trying to make all the pieces fit together into a cohesive puzzle. I have also added taking care of Cutter into the mix. For a few months, while my sister was away seeking treatment, I had primary and sole responsibility for Cutter. He is now in school (child care) at the center I teach at, along with Kayla, really thriving there, and is on a very consistent sleep schedule. I also have him on WIC and got all his shots updated. To all you former and current military families, I don't know how you deal with that NAAC! I was there for-ev-er! He is a good boy and it has been an honor to care for him. I realize now that if I ever have another child, there will be room there to love him or her as much as I love Kayla. You never think there will be, but I love Cutter just as much as I love her, would fight and die for him just as I would for her, and its nice to know that my heart has the capacity to open and love and expand like that for more than one person.
My sister is home now, and going to meetings and trying to do the right things to recover. She will never be cured, of course, and its a long, hard road now and in the future, but she is making the effort.
Dating...hmmm....when do I have time to actually conduct a fulfilling and productive adult romantic relationship? Especially when the free time I do have to myself I would rather spend just like that-by myself? I have been dating a man for a year now...we don't want to label anything, but he has met Kayla and I have met his daughter. We have ups and downs, and in the end, I know we will be good friends for the long haul if nothing else. It has been very interesting to date again. For the first few years of Kayla's life, I stayed in the house and cared for her. Nursed the hurt parts of me. Of which there were many. Many, many parts. I didn't want to meet anyone. I wanted to be her mommy, and just selfishly love her. Didn't want to share her with anyone. And didn't think she deserved to share me with anyone. So inside I was, not meeting anyone, healing and yes, being bitter and lonely. At some point, and I wish I could tell you when that was, enough became enough. I realized that I deserved and wanted someone there for me, someone other than my daughter and my family. They make me feel wonderful, but romantic love is different than any other love, and I wanted a piece of that back, to feel like a woman and not just someone's mom. I wanted to put on makeup and a cute outfit and get back out there, reclaim small pieces of me that I have stifled for the years I first spent raising Kayla. I eventually wanted a life with someone, a support system, more children, and I was not going to find that sitting in my house watching television and reading magazines. Getting out wasn't just about meeting men. It was about taking back some time for me, to spend with girlfriends, dance, feel 20 something instead of the 50 something my head actually feels. So out I went.
At first, I suffered my unique brand of mommy guilt, even when she was with her father, and safe and happy. She never suffered as a result of my social life, and never will. If anything, she is happier because Mommy is happier. Happier because she gets a little makeup and hair straightened when I do mine. So I pushed it aside and tried to enjoy myself. I faked it until I made it. I saw that Kayla was suffering no ill effects from me being out every now and then, so I loosened up. I danced, I laughed, I flirted. I felt like Melissa again, not Kayla's mom. And its okay to feel like that.
I still wasn't dating though. I was collecting numbers and meeting people, but honestly, no one compares to Kayla. You have to be really special for me to want to take time away from her, and no one I met in those first few months was. I didn't click with anyone, so I just kept my course. I focused on my own fun and spending time with my friends. Then when I least expected it, I made a connection with someone. And he has turned into a very valuable support system for me, and a true friend to Kayla. Commitment may or may not be in our future, no one can tell, but we operate on a system of honesty and mutual admiration and just take things one day at a time. It works, for now. It works for us.
Not to say there are not bumps in the road. I met a man about a month ago, and there was that instant connection, that moment that the world just stopped...and I wanted to pursue it. So I did, I was honest and said, this might be something and followed my heart. And in the end, I was wrong. We like each other, but he is not in the position to deal with all the things loving me comes with, mainly kids and my family and the baggage of maintaining a relationship with a man I once loved for the sake of my child. I understand that. Sometimes my life overwhelms me, and I live it everyday. Its not the easiest situation to walk into. I get it. But let me tell you, being a mother and having that perpective doesn't make it any easier to handle rejection. Even if its all the circumstances surrounding me but NOT literally me that is being rejected, it is still disappointing and sucks. It still hurts. But I move on and adapt. And in the meantime I have Kayla, and Cutter's, smiles to light me up. I have the greatest friends in the world, who support and love me and make me laugh when I need it the most. I have a tremendous family. I have love, in many forms.
I am returning to school sometime this month. I couldn't be happier about this. I will be doing online classes. I am probably about two years out from my Bachelor's, but its going to happen. I made that promise to myself, and to my mother, years ago. I want to use my brain again for academic purposes, to stimulate myself. To achieve goals I long ago determined to be of value to me. To make Kayla proud. To make more money at work! My plan is to pursue my Bachelor's in Early Childhood Education and get certified to teach at one point or another. I can't imagine ever teaching higher than preschool, its just where my heart is. I can teach younger, and have done older, but I feel like I have found a true calling in the 3 and 4 year olds, and most specifically in this field and this center. I love where I work, most of the time, but I do want to advance and better myself and my career. Yes, I can say now that I truly feel like this is a career path I am on, not just a job. Funny, I used to think that Journalism, writing, would be my future, my career, but now, with the twists and turns my life has taken, I see that writing will always be an interest, a passion, a part of me, but it will never be the way I earn my living, at least not totally. That makes me sad, slightly, but its part of growing up to realize that dreams I held at 18 are not dreams I can and should fulfill at 28. Being a teacher is also something I have envisioned for myself, and a more realistic and attainable career. So its what I will pursue. And its just as worthwhile, if not more so, than being a writer. Its not giving up, its expanding a dream. And I am okay with that.
I think for right now, that is all. 2010 promises many things, but nothing is set in stone. As always, we are evolving, changing, moving and adapting at the speed life is taking us. We are always a team, Kayla and I, growing stronger and better with each day. We bring each other the most joy and love. We have goals. We have each other. We are on this ride together, and I can imagine no better partner in crime than my baby girl, my whole heart.
Until next time...
What's new in my life? Everything and nothing, it seems. I am still working full time, raising Kayla to the best of my abilities, and trying to make all the pieces fit together into a cohesive puzzle. I have also added taking care of Cutter into the mix. For a few months, while my sister was away seeking treatment, I had primary and sole responsibility for Cutter. He is now in school (child care) at the center I teach at, along with Kayla, really thriving there, and is on a very consistent sleep schedule. I also have him on WIC and got all his shots updated. To all you former and current military families, I don't know how you deal with that NAAC! I was there for-ev-er! He is a good boy and it has been an honor to care for him. I realize now that if I ever have another child, there will be room there to love him or her as much as I love Kayla. You never think there will be, but I love Cutter just as much as I love her, would fight and die for him just as I would for her, and its nice to know that my heart has the capacity to open and love and expand like that for more than one person.
My sister is home now, and going to meetings and trying to do the right things to recover. She will never be cured, of course, and its a long, hard road now and in the future, but she is making the effort.
Dating...hmmm....when do I have time to actually conduct a fulfilling and productive adult romantic relationship? Especially when the free time I do have to myself I would rather spend just like that-by myself? I have been dating a man for a year now...we don't want to label anything, but he has met Kayla and I have met his daughter. We have ups and downs, and in the end, I know we will be good friends for the long haul if nothing else. It has been very interesting to date again. For the first few years of Kayla's life, I stayed in the house and cared for her. Nursed the hurt parts of me. Of which there were many. Many, many parts. I didn't want to meet anyone. I wanted to be her mommy, and just selfishly love her. Didn't want to share her with anyone. And didn't think she deserved to share me with anyone. So inside I was, not meeting anyone, healing and yes, being bitter and lonely. At some point, and I wish I could tell you when that was, enough became enough. I realized that I deserved and wanted someone there for me, someone other than my daughter and my family. They make me feel wonderful, but romantic love is different than any other love, and I wanted a piece of that back, to feel like a woman and not just someone's mom. I wanted to put on makeup and a cute outfit and get back out there, reclaim small pieces of me that I have stifled for the years I first spent raising Kayla. I eventually wanted a life with someone, a support system, more children, and I was not going to find that sitting in my house watching television and reading magazines. Getting out wasn't just about meeting men. It was about taking back some time for me, to spend with girlfriends, dance, feel 20 something instead of the 50 something my head actually feels. So out I went.
At first, I suffered my unique brand of mommy guilt, even when she was with her father, and safe and happy. She never suffered as a result of my social life, and never will. If anything, she is happier because Mommy is happier. Happier because she gets a little makeup and hair straightened when I do mine. So I pushed it aside and tried to enjoy myself. I faked it until I made it. I saw that Kayla was suffering no ill effects from me being out every now and then, so I loosened up. I danced, I laughed, I flirted. I felt like Melissa again, not Kayla's mom. And its okay to feel like that.
I still wasn't dating though. I was collecting numbers and meeting people, but honestly, no one compares to Kayla. You have to be really special for me to want to take time away from her, and no one I met in those first few months was. I didn't click with anyone, so I just kept my course. I focused on my own fun and spending time with my friends. Then when I least expected it, I made a connection with someone. And he has turned into a very valuable support system for me, and a true friend to Kayla. Commitment may or may not be in our future, no one can tell, but we operate on a system of honesty and mutual admiration and just take things one day at a time. It works, for now. It works for us.
Not to say there are not bumps in the road. I met a man about a month ago, and there was that instant connection, that moment that the world just stopped...and I wanted to pursue it. So I did, I was honest and said, this might be something and followed my heart. And in the end, I was wrong. We like each other, but he is not in the position to deal with all the things loving me comes with, mainly kids and my family and the baggage of maintaining a relationship with a man I once loved for the sake of my child. I understand that. Sometimes my life overwhelms me, and I live it everyday. Its not the easiest situation to walk into. I get it. But let me tell you, being a mother and having that perpective doesn't make it any easier to handle rejection. Even if its all the circumstances surrounding me but NOT literally me that is being rejected, it is still disappointing and sucks. It still hurts. But I move on and adapt. And in the meantime I have Kayla, and Cutter's, smiles to light me up. I have the greatest friends in the world, who support and love me and make me laugh when I need it the most. I have a tremendous family. I have love, in many forms.
I am returning to school sometime this month. I couldn't be happier about this. I will be doing online classes. I am probably about two years out from my Bachelor's, but its going to happen. I made that promise to myself, and to my mother, years ago. I want to use my brain again for academic purposes, to stimulate myself. To achieve goals I long ago determined to be of value to me. To make Kayla proud. To make more money at work! My plan is to pursue my Bachelor's in Early Childhood Education and get certified to teach at one point or another. I can't imagine ever teaching higher than preschool, its just where my heart is. I can teach younger, and have done older, but I feel like I have found a true calling in the 3 and 4 year olds, and most specifically in this field and this center. I love where I work, most of the time, but I do want to advance and better myself and my career. Yes, I can say now that I truly feel like this is a career path I am on, not just a job. Funny, I used to think that Journalism, writing, would be my future, my career, but now, with the twists and turns my life has taken, I see that writing will always be an interest, a passion, a part of me, but it will never be the way I earn my living, at least not totally. That makes me sad, slightly, but its part of growing up to realize that dreams I held at 18 are not dreams I can and should fulfill at 28. Being a teacher is also something I have envisioned for myself, and a more realistic and attainable career. So its what I will pursue. And its just as worthwhile, if not more so, than being a writer. Its not giving up, its expanding a dream. And I am okay with that.
I think for right now, that is all. 2010 promises many things, but nothing is set in stone. As always, we are evolving, changing, moving and adapting at the speed life is taking us. We are always a team, Kayla and I, growing stronger and better with each day. We bring each other the most joy and love. We have goals. We have each other. We are on this ride together, and I can imagine no better partner in crime than my baby girl, my whole heart.
Until next time...
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