October

I've been planning Halloween costumes for me and Kayla since last month. Is it just me? Am I the only one who starts planning for the end of October in August? I claim I want to be prepared, but I need a distraction from October. From knowing that its coming, and from pretending that I will be fine once it arrives.
October used to be just another month, highlighted by my mother's most elaborate and favorite of holidays, Halloween. She made all of our costumes by hand, mine, Sara's, my step dad and hers. She decorated the house. She planned and executed two Halloween parties every year, one for the kids and one for the adults. The kids party was the stuff of legend at school- a fortune teller, a haunted house, those boxes of gross stuff you have to stick your hand in and guess what it is. The adult party was another legend in its own right. Family stories abound from those parties- Rich in his Batman costume stumbling home drunk at 3 AM and being stopped by the police, my mother almost being set on fire in a bar when she went as a scarecrow and used real straw by a man dressed as a magican doing a trick, Rich in his Elvis wig and getting sick in the car and looking by Prince from the wind blowing the wind at the end of the night. So yes, those were the Octobers of my childhood- fun, carefree, never dull.
What is October now? October is pain. October 13th, my mom's birthday, begins the guilt and sadness spiral. Next comes what would have been me and AJ's anniversary. Just an additional sadness to add to the month. Not saying I want to be with him, but its hard to let go of a life and love you imagined for yourself. October 26th- the day my mom went into the hospital and never came out. I remember the year she got sick, I had just moved in with AJ in August and I was pregnant. We were planning a Halloween party. I was attempting to fill the shoes of my mother, even though I never could. On the day she went in, my entire focus shifted. I remember I was on the phone with her doctor handing out Halloween candy. The world fell in on itself in October, and I don't know if its ever sturdied itself again.
Halloween is fun for Kayla now, and I look forward to that, don't misunderstand. She is going to be Pebbles this year, Malik is Bam Bam, I am going to be Wilma and Tammi is going to be Betty when we take the kids around house to house. Cutter is even going to be Dino. Its going to be fun, and I am even going to attempt to make our costumes, as I have seen nothing I really like online. Its going to feel a little bit like it used to, just for that one night. And that night, when we are taking the kids out, I will look up in the sky and know my mom is smiling and missing us, and of course making sure no one puts any razor blades in our apples...that was always her concern, that and getting all the Reese's for herself! HAHA!
And from October just comes the season of unbearability to me. November and Thanksgiving and Christmas...and while we are on the subject of Christmas, I am already planning that too. Any good ideas for Kayla? I am thinking a Leapster so far...not sure what else, but its stressing me out. I feel like I should be farther along in my holiday plans. Three months doesn't seem that long to me.
Its going to be a long holiday season. Very long indeed.