Through the looking glass...

5

2010-03-11T17:39:00.001-08:00

Kayla,
You turned 5 today my baby girl. I can hardly believe it. I can remember so distinctly the day you were born, the smells, the sounds, the feelings. I remember hearing your first cry. I remember the first time I saw your face and loving you more than I loved anything else in the world, or ever will. It feels like it happened two seconds ago, yet it feels like you have been the center of my world forever. My life before you, baby girl, was nothing. I thought I saw the world in color. I thought I knew love. But then you arrived and I discovered color. I knew love. You opened the world to me. You changed my perspective. And now, love, 5 years together.
Look how far we have come. We have traveled from those first alone months when I knew nothing of myself, of how to be a mother, of crying and missing and adapting to the here and now- strong, confident in ourselves, smart, thriving. We have made it baby girl. You taught me all I needed along the way. You have inspired me to be the best I can be in all areas of my life, but most especially as a mother. I have done the best I could with what I have been given. Always know that. More important than material possessions, I have tried to give you a sense of self. I tried to show you and promote in you independence. I tried to make sure you knew you deserve nothing but the best. Do not settle. Ask questions. Love freely. Think wisely. Be kind. Read. Smile. Laugh. These are the seeds I planted over these 5 years.
I have given all of that to you, but oh what you have given to me. Its beyond words. You gave me the will to survive in my darkest days. You gave me courage. You gave me your smile. Your eyes. You have given me a sense of purpose. You are the reason for me. I have no doubt of that fact. We were pre-destined to be a team. I am so grateful to whoever chose you for me. I love being your mom. I love the funny, brilliant things you say. I love your face, so like my own. I love your curiousity and your thirst for knowledge. I love how much you love your family and friends. I love that you are so adaptable and already so strong.
In 5 years we have gone from 3 pounds, so tiny but resilient in the NICU, me yearning so hard to have you home, crying to the bottom of myself when we had to leave you to now, 32 pounds, healthy, absolutely filled with personality and light and me, doing this fantastic juggling act with you everyday, coping, surviving. We're making it, and I love every step of our journey.
More than where we came from, I look forward to where we are going. These first 5 years have been magical. You have brought me new levels of joy every day. I so look forward to the next 5 and all of those after. Thank you for being you, Kayla MacKenzie. And thank you for making me better and for letting me be your mom.

Love Always,
Mommy

Update

2010-02-15T05:48:00.000-08:00

First, let me apologize for the long, long absence. I am still new to the blog thing, but suspect I wouldn't be a novice anymore if I only just BLOGGED MORE and hoping that this year will be the year I finally embrace it fully.
What's new in my life? Everything and nothing, it seems. I am still working full time, raising Kayla to the best of my abilities, and trying to make all the pieces fit together into a cohesive puzzle. I have also added taking care of Cutter into the mix. For a few months, while my sister was away seeking treatment, I had primary and sole responsibility for Cutter. He is now in school (child care) at the center I teach at, along with Kayla, really thriving there, and is on a very consistent sleep schedule. I also have him on WIC and got all his shots updated. To all you former and current military families, I don't know how you deal with that NAAC! I was there for-ev-er! He is a good boy and it has been an honor to care for him. I realize now that if I ever have another child, there will be room there to love him or her as much as I love Kayla. You never think there will be, but I love Cutter just as much as I love her, would fight and die for him just as I would for her, and its nice to know that my heart has the capacity to open and love and expand like that for more than one person.
My sister is home now, and going to meetings and trying to do the right things to recover. She will never be cured, of course, and its a long, hard road now and in the future, but she is making the effort.
Dating...hmmm....when do I have time to actually conduct a fulfilling and productive adult romantic relationship? Especially when the free time I do have to myself I would rather spend just like that-by myself? I have been dating a man for a year now...we don't want to label anything, but he has met Kayla and I have met his daughter. We have ups and downs, and in the end, I know we will be good friends for the long haul if nothing else. It has been very interesting to date again. For the first few years of Kayla's life, I stayed in the house and cared for her. Nursed the hurt parts of me. Of which there were many. Many, many parts. I didn't want to meet anyone. I wanted to be her mommy, and just selfishly love her. Didn't want to share her with anyone. And didn't think she deserved to share me with anyone. So inside I was, not meeting anyone, healing and yes, being bitter and lonely. At some point, and I wish I could tell you when that was, enough became enough. I realized that I deserved and wanted someone there for me, someone other than my daughter and my family. They make me feel wonderful, but romantic love is different than any other love, and I wanted a piece of that back, to feel like a woman and not just someone's mom. I wanted to put on makeup and a cute outfit and get back out there, reclaim small pieces of me that I have stifled for the years I first spent raising Kayla. I eventually wanted a life with someone, a support system, more children, and I was not going to find that sitting in my house watching television and reading magazines. Getting out wasn't just about meeting men. It was about taking back some time for me, to spend with girlfriends, dance, feel 20 something instead of the 50 something my head actually feels. So out I went.
At first, I suffered my unique brand of mommy guilt, even when she was with her father, and safe and happy. She never suffered as a result of my social life, and never will. If anything, she is happier because Mommy is happier. Happier because she gets a little makeup and hair straightened when I do mine. So I pushed it aside and tried to enjoy myself. I faked it until I made it. I saw that Kayla was suffering no ill effects from me being out every now and then, so I loosened up. I danced, I laughed, I flirted. I felt like Melissa again, not Kayla's mom. And its okay to feel like that.
I still wasn't dating though. I was collecting numbers and meeting people, but honestly, no one compares to Kayla. You have to be really special for me to want to take time away from her, and no one I met in those first few months was. I didn't click with anyone, so I just kept my course. I focused on my own fun and spending time with my friends. Then when I least expected it, I made a connection with someone. And he has turned into a very valuable support system for me, and a true friend to Kayla. Commitment may or may not be in our future, no one can tell, but we operate on a system of honesty and mutual admiration and just take things one day at a time. It works, for now. It works for us.
Not to say there are not bumps in the road. I met a man about a month ago, and there was that instant connection, that moment that the world just stopped...and I wanted to pursue it. So I did, I was honest and said, this might be something and followed my heart. And in the end, I was wrong. We like each other, but he is not in the position to deal with all the things loving me comes with, mainly kids and my family and the baggage of maintaining a relationship with a man I once loved for the sake of my child. I understand that. Sometimes my life overwhelms me, and I live it everyday. Its not the easiest situation to walk into. I get it. But let me tell you, being a mother and having that perpective doesn't make it any easier to handle rejection. Even if its all the circumstances surrounding me but NOT literally me that is being rejected, it is still disappointing and sucks. It still hurts. But I move on and adapt. And in the meantime I have Kayla, and Cutter's, smiles to light me up. I have the greatest friends in the world, who support and love me and make me laugh when I need it the most. I have a tremendous family. I have love, in many forms.
I am returning to school sometime this month. I couldn't be happier about this. I will be doing online classes. I am probably about two years out from my Bachelor's, but its going to happen. I made that promise to myself, and to my mother, years ago. I want to use my brain again for academic purposes, to stimulate myself. To achieve goals I long ago determined to be of value to me. To make Kayla proud. To make more money at work! My plan is to pursue my Bachelor's in Early Childhood Education and get certified to teach at one point or another. I can't imagine ever teaching higher than preschool, its just where my heart is. I can teach younger, and have done older, but I feel like I have found a true calling in the 3 and 4 year olds, and most specifically in this field and this center. I love where I work, most of the time, but I do want to advance and better myself and my career. Yes, I can say now that I truly feel like this is a career path I am on, not just a job. Funny, I used to think that Journalism, writing, would be my future, my career, but now, with the twists and turns my life has taken, I see that writing will always be an interest, a passion, a part of me, but it will never be the way I earn my living, at least not totally. That makes me sad, slightly, but its part of growing up to realize that dreams I held at 18 are not dreams I can and should fulfill at 28. Being a teacher is also something I have envisioned for myself, and a more realistic and attainable career. So its what I will pursue. And its just as worthwhile, if not more so, than being a writer. Its not giving up, its expanding a dream. And I am okay with that.
I think for right now, that is all. 2010 promises many things, but nothing is set in stone. As always, we are evolving, changing, moving and adapting at the speed life is taking us. We are always a team, Kayla and I, growing stronger and better with each day. We bring each other the most joy and love. We have goals. We have each other. We are on this ride together, and I can imagine no better partner in crime than my baby girl, my whole heart.
Until next time...

And no one talked to me...

2009-03-26T20:09:00.000-07:00

So today was day two of Kayla's swimming lessons at the Mystic Education Center. The first week I had a friend from work to sit and talk with. This week, she went in the water with her son. As I scrambled in 5 minutes late, hurried Kayla into the water and took a seat in the bleachers, I realized I was on one side of the great divide, and these other mothers fell squarely on the other. Now, we all have children younger than 10, some older than Kayla, some younger by a few months, most right about her age. This, my friends, is where the similarities end. These women all were over 30, most closer to 40. Most carried that haughty tooty "Mystic housewife" air about them. You know, they all talked about their perfect, well behaved children and their husbands, and laughed those conspiratorial laughs of perfection as they waved around their beautiful, big diamonds and expensive braclets and such. They wore the "Mom uniform"- trouser jeans or authentic Aidas track pants, button downs, unstained long sleeved tee shirts and SHUDDER clogs. Sorry, mommies, my jeans are bootcut only- with stretch. I happened to be wearing a black and gray leopard print tee shirt, certainly not a button down. I rocked my Reeboks...and last week I rocked my heart print Airwalks. My finger is indeed void of ring of any form, most especially a diamond. Their hair was groomed and makeup impeccable...even in the heat of the pool...my hair was up, thrown into some form of a bun/ ponytail combo. Last night's glitter eye makeup is still sparkling in bits and pieces on my face, not to be outshined by the giant bags under my eyes from being up too late. And there were certainly no tattoos in sight...yet you could see part of my Kayla tattoo plain as day, and Kayla was sporting a Sleeping Beauty fake tattoo on her forearm. Now what is my point? I love who I am. I love who I am as a person, 27 years old, independent, chaotic, neurotic, obsessive, fun, full of love and life and sometimes yes a bit crazy. I love what I am as a mother, the steady presence, the one to go the extra mile and stick my neck out and take on what needs to be taken on to for Kayla, her protector, her biggest fan, but also fun and the mother who just wants to give her everything, whether its always within my means or not. Me having tattoos, or not wearing Mom jeans or rocking a big diamond, does not make me any less of a mother, any less of a woman than the women I encountered tonight are. I know lots of moms like me, in their 20's, single, tattooed, dressed stylishly, and this holds true for them too. They are good moms, hardworking moms, moms that would do anything for their kids. Yet the fact remains that not one mother spoke to me. And they looked pitingly at Kayla in the locker room as she cried because she didn't want to go home, like poor baby and her trashy single mom. Well guess what, she has a mother who is just as good as you are, maybe not as old, but just as good. Why did I let these women get to me? I felt self concious, even though I felt no need to offer apologies for who I or Kayla are. We are ourselves, beautiful, whole, imperfect, and you can take us or leave us. I just hate feeling, in the year 2009, when there are more single mothers in this country than ever, that we are a rare, unfortunate and inconvinent breed. I have very few places I have felt out of place, but this was one of them, because in their silence, it was unspoken that I threw off their secure, married, middle aged ratio. Well, let me tell you...half of all marriages end in divorce so at some point, one of those women will be a single mom. They just won't be as young or stylish attired to find themselves a man as I am...I jest, I jest, but I am serious about feeling outcast. I hate the Mommy competition. Old, young, inked, non-tattooed, polished or unkempt, we should all just come together and realize that as women, as mothers, we need to build ourselves up and not tear each other down. If we want our children to be accepting of everyone, to love themselves, how can we show them exactly the opposite? I don't have tolerance for the cattiness, the judgements of women. I want Kayla, as a woman, to be accepting, to love herself free from and in spite of the judgements of others, and to not succumb to the pressures women place on each other. These women proved to me tonight I have a lot of work to do as the mother of a girl in order to break the cycle. Quite a bit.

You know what's beautiful...

2009-02-12T15:38:00.000-08:00

Today, Kayla and I were driving on a road that parallels the Thames River. She stopped whatever she had been saying, because in truth I was only half listening, and said, "Mommy, you know what's beautiful?" I said, "You are!" and then she said, with such seriousness and thoughtfulness you would have assumed she was much older, "No Mommy, the water is beautiful. I love living at the water." And there you have it, the simplicity of the world through a three year old eyes. And the more amazing piece of this is that I feel precisely the same way, always have. Growing up in a coastal town where you can taste the salt coming off the water if the wind happens to blow right, its always been such a blessing to me. Water is a great source of comfort and peace to me, instilled in me since my earliest days. And apparently, instilled in Kayla too. I am so glad that wordlessly, effortlessly, my love of the water, my appreciation for it, its beauty, all that is, has been passed onto her. I am so grateful to be raising my child in the town I grew up in, so close to all the things that have defined my life, my memories. We drove to Bluff Point today, and just sat and looked and talked. I can't wait for the better weather, and her on her bike, taking the trails. I want her to know the places that have meant something to me, for us to share the universal experience of this place. It may be a miserable town at times, but its our town! The roots of our family run deep here, and I am so thankful she will always know that. And even more thankful she is recognizing that as she gets older.

25 things about me...

2009-02-08T16:42:00.000-08:00

Taking a cue from Erin's posting on her blog, I am also submitting a list of 25 things about me. Enjoy!

1. I am deathly afraid of squirrels and lightning. More specifically, being attacked by a squirrel or getting struck by lightning.

2. I collect shot glasses. I have a lot from different colleges my friends have attended, states, places. They're lined up on a shelf above my kitchen sink.

3. I have a mild bordering on moderate obsession with the color pink. Any and all shades.

4. My new favorite color to wear is green. Like classic, Crayola green. One of the women at work calls it my signature color.

5. I want to dye my hair this really pretty, shiny burgundy color.

6. I have loved Gone With the Wind and Grease for more years than I can remember.

7. I would have loved to have met Janis Joplin, more specifically go see her in concert. I love her music.

8. I am coveting high priced Britney Spears and Keith Urban/Sugarland tickets. All over $100. I can't justify that kind of money for one night, even though I would give my eye teeth (where does that expression come from, anyway?) to see Sugarland or Britney.

9. I have a major chocolate obsession. Peaked during pregnancy and still trying to wean myself down to a reasonable amount.

10. I watch Hannah Montana even when my daughter is sleeping or not home sometimes.

11. I watched Finding Nemo obsessively when I was pregnant. I would daydream about watching it with my own daughter and yesterday, I did.

12. I have a brilliant and marketable idea for a magazine, but am not sure the first step to getting it published.

13. I can't watch a movie based on a book without reading the book first.

14. I have never left my daughter with someone other than family, her daycare or a close friend to babysit her. I wouldn't even know what to pay a babysitter. The thought panics me.

15. I had a dream about the new VW Bugs that came out, the green one, about a year before they introduced them. I have preminitions and deja vu frequently.

16. I know maybe three state capitols and lack a knowledge of geography almost completely.

17. I was named after an Allman Brothers song, Melissa.

18. I was a teenager when my grandfather took our childhood playhouse out of his yard, and I cried like a baby and threw a fit.

19. I love Boston. Everything about it. I would live there in a second if it wasn't so expensive, and I didn't have Kayla to raise.

20. My sister, my nephew, my daughter and I all have the exact same blue eyes.

21. I can't say the word industry.

22. When I want to feel close to my mom, I eat Yodels.

23. I work with children. All day. Every day. Its never boring.

24. I wish I could hit the lotto and take a year off to write my book. Books.

25. Being a mother is the only thing that makes me feel alive sometimes.

Quarantined...

2008-11-08T12:04:00.000-08:00

I thought this week would turn out to be a most memorable one, after my candidate swept the election...well I wasn't wrong, but its not memorable for that reason alone. Kayla has been struggling with a persistent rash on her nether regions for months now, since the summer. We have been to the doctor for it half a dozen times. It has gone from a staph infection, to a yeast infection to an irritation, to strep, and now, the most definitive and terrifying defintion: MRSA. Now for anyone who doesn't know what that is, its a antibotic resistant staph infection. She also has impetigo, which she has had before, and will clear up, but is still gross and itchy. When the doctor said MRSA however, I became near hysterical. MRSA has KILLED people. My mother had MRSA during her illness, and I was warned, as I was pregnant at the time, that it could be transmitted to Kayla through contact with my mother. There wasn't any concrete proof of this, and we took precautions, but I was absolutely guilt ridden and sick with myself, thinking I had caused this to happen to Kayla. There's no way to prove I didn't, but Dr. Holtzman thinks it would be HIGHLY, HIGHLY unlikely. She also assured me MRSA as it exists in the pediatric community is much less severe and life threatening then it is in within the adult community. She gave Kayla some heavy duty antibotics, only one of two known to effectively treat MRSA, and we should be on the way to a complete recovery. Being the neurotic person I am, I have been surfing the web and have discovered that 77 kids died last year from a combo of the flu and MRSA and MRSA has been linked with respiratory problems. My mind immediately goes into overdrive...one, Kayla has a cough, which she developed this week, so is it a cold or MRSA reeking havoc on her system? Two, she hasn't gotten her flu shot yet...we're due to get it Friday...is she going to end up in a very serious situation?
My whole point with this is, will I ever get to the point when I believe what a doctor tells me? I have been assured she will be all right. I have to keep her on the antibotics and I am quarantining her just because I don't want to expose anyone else to it, but I can't lose the feeling like this situation could go another way, a very scary way at any moment. I need to stop, and breath, and realize it will all be all right. In the meantime, I am not sure if my sanity will stay intact between an itching child, endless cartoons, sterlizing everything in sight, and everything else! Wish us luck!

Halloween Hoopla...and A Day with Thomas

2008-11-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

Sorry all these pics are at the top...it wouldn't let me move them! GRR!

My favorite pic of the day...me and the kids on the carousel.

Kayla on the train...SO EXCITED!

Kayla, Malik and I at A Day with Thomas

Kayla and I as Pebbles and Wilma...yeah I know, no red hair! Bugged me all night!

The Flintstone and Rubble clan...the MODERN Stone Age family...no men! HAHA!

So, Halloween has come and gone. All in all, a very good night. I didn't find a Wilma wig, or spray my hair with the hideous red hair spray Sara found, so I was a brown haired Wilma, sans honkin' pearls as well, and that detracted from the night, but everything still went very nicely and we all had fun. Kayla skinned her knee about 5 seconds into trick or treating, but she had a wonderful night, and made out like a bandit!

Today, we went to A Day Out with Thomas the Train, the popular character on PBS. Tickets were $18 a piece, so $32 for me and Kayla. Might not sound like a lot to some people, but for me, thats a pretty big deal. I can get a lot of groceries for $32, and a lot of clothes and shoes for her too! But I decided to go, and I don't regret it at all! Kayla had never been on a train before, and we go to ride in the car right in back of Thomas (the VIP section I told her!) and she LOVED it! She loved the bus ride from the parking lot too! She was just excited by everything. After we got off the train, where she got a cute Junior Engineer certificate and where we cheered on Thomas, we got our photo taken with Thomas, and tried to get one with the kids from our camera with Thomas, but of course they didn't cooperate, and we didn't get the pic. Why do kids never cooperate when we want them to? Oh well, I have the memory, just not the photo op.

Next we spotted the free kiddie rides set up. Free! I was so excited, usually anything you go to like that, its always extra. But this was included. We did three rides, including Kayla's favorite, the carousel. That girl is looney over carousels. She also loved the Lego version of Thomas that they had set up. We skipped the magic show also included, but we did get some Thomas temp tattoos.

We headed over to the Imagination Station, where tons of Thomas tracks were set up for kids to play with, along with a Thomas viewing station, and tables of stamping and coloring activities. Kayla got her face painted and missed getting a pic with Sir Topham Hatt, which I was disappointed about. I mean, she knew he was there, and didn't care, she just wanted her face painted, and she didn't get upset at all that she didn't get her picture taken, but for me as a parent, I wanted her to say she had the experience, and on a stingy level, I wanted to get my money's worth! I know, its a bit insane, but I can't help it. Ohhh and a cute boat worker at the Steam Train hit on me. I should have given him my number. When we go back for the ride with Santa, I'll have to be on the lookout for him! HAHA!

After we hit the Imagination Station, we left, as kids all around us were having meltdowns, and ours were beginning to show signs that the fun was soon about to end in tears and tantrums. We got a cute magnet picture frame as a gift for the kids and boarded the bus back to the parking lot. All in all, we got our money's worth and I would definiteley recommend it to anyone with kids in the 2-4 range. I thought our Thomas adventure was over, but lo and behold, on our way to get lunch, Thomas chugged across the road. I tried to get some snaps, but my camera was being chintzy. Kayla saw it though, and was very excited to see him from another perspective, one last time.

The pizza place we went to topped everything off perfectly. Nice skylight and gravel floor, picnic tables and a cool juke box! AWESOME DAY!

Tag, I'm it!

2008-10-28T17:13:00.000-07:00

So my cousin Erin tagged me on her blog. I am not sure what all this tagging means, as I am new to the blog world, but I was instructed to go to the sixth folder of my photos and pick the sixth picture and share my memories about it. I have all my photos in one folder so I chose the sixth photo.

I swear I didn't do it on purpose, but this is one of my most favorite photos of my favorite person, Kayla! This picture was taken at Erin's baby shower and she was smiling at my sister, who she ADORES! I think her smile is so gorgeous and she looks so happy. She is also looking a bit too grown up for my liking, but I digress!

I also have to apologize for not blogging more often. I am in the middle of completing a new certification for work, and raising this crazy beautiful girl! Life is hectic! I promise to have more soon!

I don't have 6 people to tag, so I will just do one, my Auntie Lisa. I would be very interested in seeing what she posts!

October

2008-09-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

I've been planning Halloween costumes for me and Kayla since last month. Is it just me? Am I the only one who starts planning for the end of October in August? I claim I want to be prepared, but I need a distraction from October. From knowing that its coming, and from pretending that I will be fine once it arrives.
October used to be just another month, highlighted by my mother's most elaborate and favorite of holidays, Halloween. She made all of our costumes by hand, mine, Sara's, my step dad and hers. She decorated the house. She planned and executed two Halloween parties every year, one for the kids and one for the adults. The kids party was the stuff of legend at school- a fortune teller, a haunted house, those boxes of gross stuff you have to stick your hand in and guess what it is. The adult party was another legend in its own right. Family stories abound from those parties- Rich in his Batman costume stumbling home drunk at 3 AM and being stopped by the police, my mother almost being set on fire in a bar when she went as a scarecrow and used real straw by a man dressed as a magican doing a trick, Rich in his Elvis wig and getting sick in the car and looking by Prince from the wind blowing the wind at the end of the night. So yes, those were the Octobers of my childhood- fun, carefree, never dull.
What is October now? October is pain. October 13th, my mom's birthday, begins the guilt and sadness spiral. Next comes what would have been me and AJ's anniversary. Just an additional sadness to add to the month. Not saying I want to be with him, but its hard to let go of a life and love you imagined for yourself. October 26th- the day my mom went into the hospital and never came out. I remember the year she got sick, I had just moved in with AJ in August and I was pregnant. We were planning a Halloween party. I was attempting to fill the shoes of my mother, even though I never could. On the day she went in, my entire focus shifted. I remember I was on the phone with her doctor handing out Halloween candy. The world fell in on itself in October, and I don't know if its ever sturdied itself again.
Halloween is fun for Kayla now, and I look forward to that, don't misunderstand. She is going to be Pebbles this year, Malik is Bam Bam, I am going to be Wilma and Tammi is going to be Betty when we take the kids around house to house. Cutter is even going to be Dino. Its going to be fun, and I am even going to attempt to make our costumes, as I have seen nothing I really like online. Its going to feel a little bit like it used to, just for that one night. And that night, when we are taking the kids out, I will look up in the sky and know my mom is smiling and missing us, and of course making sure no one puts any razor blades in our apples...that was always her concern, that and getting all the Reese's for herself! HAHA!
And from October just comes the season of unbearability to me. November and Thanksgiving and Christmas...and while we are on the subject of Christmas, I am already planning that too. Any good ideas for Kayla? I am thinking a Leapster so far...not sure what else, but its stressing me out. I feel like I should be farther along in my holiday plans. Three months doesn't seem that long to me.
Its going to be a long holiday season. Very long indeed.

Observations on destiny

2008-08-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

So I have officially become obsessed with Christina Coppa's blog, Storked!, on glamour.com. Coppa is a single mom to a one year old son, and the things she writes about her life, her child, they are the words in my heart, in my soul. She just got a book deal...lucky bitch. She is inspiring me to go there again, to find the words and write them down and send them out into the world, for all to read and know. Writing is where I truly find myself, and I have wandered so far off the path, but the rigors of this life just haven't given me time to go there, to get back to where I want and need to be. Coppa's blog talks about how she chose her life, she knew she was going to do it alone, and that it would be hard, but that she wouldn't trade it for anything. I feel that. So completely.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I think, in a lot of ways I was unwilling to admit at the time and for a long time afterward, I knew I would be right where I am today, raising Kayla on my own. Yes, AJ and I share custody, yes she loves her daddy, yes I get child support, yes I have it better than 90% of single moms in that respect, but at the end of the day, every week day I am alone raising her. I have my family always willing to help in whatever way they can, but my own pride and need to accept responsibility for the life I created doesn't often allow me to take advantage of that. But, in the end, and in the beginning, its me and Kayla. Love it or hate it, I am the one who is the fixer of the boo boos, the lay-er down of the law, the calm in the storm, the voice of reason. Yes, when I found out I was pregnant, this is the life I knew I would have. Don't get me wrong, I wanted the two parent family, the textbook definition of a "perfect" life, with the three of us around the dinner table sharing our days, Kayla's toys and clothes and other accessories of life strewn from one end of the house to other, hell even another baby by now.
Do I think we could have been happy? Yes, or if not, we could have put on the facade of happy. Do I think we are all better off now? Yes. Kayla has two parents that are over the moon for her, are friends to each other, co-parents in the truest sense, and two bedrooms- one Elmo, one Cinderella, one backyard with a jungle gym, one with a plastic house and a slide. More clothes and books and toys than any child should ever have. She can spell her name. She can recite her ABC's, her numbers to ten in English and Spanish, knows her colors and her shapes. By all accounts, we are doing something right. Her three years of life have been pretty happy, despite the ugliness of the first months of AJ's and I's break-up, and my overwhelming sadness and sense of failure. Would they have been as happy if we were still together? Maybe...probably. But would her parents have been? Probably not. And that would have made her much unhappier, much more stressed in the long run. That would never have been fair to her. Not for one minute.
Honestly, when the judge told me that I would have to allow AJ overnight visitation, I felt like I was being punished, like the entire world was going to stop twirling on its axis. There was nothing worse than taking my baby away from me, even for one night. The first night he took her I cried myself to sleep. I had to create a ritual just to keep my mind occupied and off her. Flash forward three years and some weeks I am counting down the days to the weekend because I need a fucking break. I love my girl, she is my whole heart, the very best thing I have ever done, but she is tiring! She's like me when I was that age, non-stop chatter and motion and need. I love her more than I could ever articulate, but mama needs a break! I need room to breathe and feel 26 years old for 10 minutes. Yes, I miss her when she is gone, yes I feel like I have lost a limb, but I am so grateful now that I worked hard to maintain her relationship with her father. And yes, I know I am lucky, and I tip my hat to all the single moms who don't have the option of carting their child off for the weekend. I don't know how you do it!
Coppa talks in one of her blogs about her life happening while she was busying mapping out her plans. She also says the goals she set for herself were achieved, just in different order than she planned, and the order life decided made her a stronger person. I understand that completely. When I was a little girl, I had a fantasy journal (yes, nerd and aspiring writer right here!) and I would write about my life, my dreams, relationships I hoped to have and the ways in which they were to be conducted. Meet a random guy after too many shots in a bar, fall feet over head, be silly and crazy and not cautious, not call my gyn to make sure the med the ER prescribed didn't indeed render my pill virtually ineffective, get pregnant, have mom get sick, turn myself inside out, sideways, upside down, backwards, every which way to make it work with someone who wasn't ready for it, have my mom die before seeing her first grandchild, blow up like a balloon because my kidneys stopped working, have a preemie, having Dan die, becoming a single mom...yeah none of that was in my cards. I was going to go to college, finish with my Journalism degree, meet a guy while I was there, get married out of school, have some babies, live in a house by the ocean, and be in total bliss for life. I realize that is a crock of shit, and the person I am now would never be satisfied with a middle school girl's ideals for her life. I also think in that same journal I noted that I would never have sex with a guy unless I had been in a serious relationship with him for two years...for anyone that knows me, that is so beyond laughable I can't even comment. But that just further proves the point of how unrealistic the goals I set for myself were. I met a guy my freshman year of college. I liked him, there was an instant connection, and I had my timeline, so of course I had to pursue, time was a-wasting. I dropped the L-bomb, and he hightailed it out of my life. I can understand it, I was too intense. I was trying to create a life I obviously wasn't meant to live. If I had meant to do any of the things I had created for myself over 10 years ago in my journal, I would be doing them. Plain and simple.
As life would have it, I was meant to take a break from school to try and find the person that had become jumbled up in a mass of college living-too much freedom, alcohol, random boys and not much studying or caring. Instead of finding the me I thought I was, I found a new (and hopefully improved version to those that knew me back in the day) me. I had to stumble along the way, into a seedy bar every night, partying till 4 AM only to head to work at 7 AM, I had to get involved with inappropriate people and hurt my mother (still one of my deepest regrets.) I had to be young and free and in my 20's. Then, like a bomb, my world exploded. I was 22 and in crazy and drama filled love, with the best friends and very little debt, a job I loved and then I was pregnant. BOOM- in one instant, a life I had thought was pretty damn fun and heading in a good direction was over. And life moved in another direction faster than I could keep up.
Kayla was here in short order. Mom was gone. I had to adapt, and survive. And you know what, its what I was meant for. Miss Kayla, with her eyes and her small hands that fit so perfectly in mine, and her questions that just floor me, and her smell and her voice, and her perfection-her- its what was intended for me. No question in my mind, not for one moment. She has been my destiny since before I ever imagined her into existence. She is the reason for me. And in the mornings, when we are bundled into the car, and she requests her new obsession, Natasha Bedingfield's "Pocketful of Sunshine," or her "sunshine song" as she calls it, I know me and her alone is the will of whatever higher power there is. I do resent it sometimes, like the other morning when Kayla wanted a donut and I had to count change to get her one, because frankly, paychecks aren't stretching nearly far enough, but for better or for worse, its me and her. And if its that way forever, thats fine. And if its not, thats fine too. We Hewlitt women, we roll with the punches. We adapt. We don't give up when things look dismal. If there is one thing that Kayla's conception, pregnancy, birth and life has taught me so far, besides the fact that I am stronger than I realize most days, is that its that we don't always have control over what life wants for us. And that's okay by me. Because everyday with my baby girl is an adventure, and I can't wait to see where we end up, 6 months from now, a year from now, 5 years from now.
So have I accomplished my timeline? I haven't finished my degree...trying my damndest to get back into it...no husband, or boyfriend, to even speak of...I have my own house and my own car...we're close to the ocean...but I have Kayla, and that cancels out any other goal I have yet to achieve. I am raising a person. I am responsible for someone else. I am needed and loved just because. Thats powerful stuff. So I say, screw the timeline. Live the life you are intended to live. And enjoy the ride.

Ocean...

2008-08-07T19:26:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, I used to go watch the waves crash against the rocks of the beach with my aunt. In mist, in downpours, in soul shattering storms, even in a hurricane, there we were, watching and marveling. These moments are the ones that sealed my love of the ocean. In fact, my entire family loved the ocean. I am the daughter and granddaughter of fishermen, men who made the water their home when their land locked ones became too chaotic, or too sad, or too overwhelmingly anything. One summer for my 70 something grandfather's birthday, all the grandchildren donned suits and waded into the water with Pop, his two canes pocking the sand with small circles as well all trekked into the surf. He taught us, all of the adults taught us, to love the water, but most especially the ocean. My mom was laid off one summer, and everyday we all went to the beach. We just soaked in the salt, and the expansiveness of the horizon. My uncle owned a boat, and we spent a lot of time in it, cruising and laughing and loving each other. To me, growing up, the water wasn't about swimming, or sea animals, or science. It was about love and family. Because where my family was was the water. The ocean. And it seemed to just fit, to be the natural place for us to be. Situated in a coastal town, loving and living. When my PopPop got sick, my aunts and my mom would meet on the beach for talks about his care, life, their grief, whatever those pre-dawn talks amounted to. My mom began to collect shells on the shore in those days. By Christmas, everyone had shell wreaths with shells from our own beach. I still have one hanging in my bathroom today.
When my mom passed away, there seemed like nowhere on earth that I got her back, even for a second. Not one place where I could remember her for who she was before the illness came, before it invaded every part of her rapidly and thoroughly, leaving no room for me to recognize the person I love. One day, overwhelmed, exhausted, sick with grief and pregnancy and worry, I went to sit at the beach. Just to escape my world, to find that peace I knew looking at those rocks where the surf crashed when I was a little girl. I found the place, at last, where my mom was. Everywhere I looked, I saw her. Her shells. Her sand. Her surf. Her picnic tables. Even the house she rented for a Halloween party that left my father hitch-hiking in a Batman suit at 3 AM. It was her, at last. The mom I knew instead of the vessel of pain and incomprehension in a hospital bed. After she died, it was where I came to feel her, to talk to her. To be with her again. I have been to her grave. I go every holiday, but she is not there. No, for me, my mom is the ocean.

Stuck in quicksand...

2008-08-03T15:10:00.001-07:00

I feel sometimes that everyone around me is changing and growing and I am standing still. My sister and brother in law just celebrated their year anniversary and welcomed a son, my cousin and her husband just celebrated a year and soon, their son will be here. I was catching up with old friends the other day, and two of them have gotten married. My best friend from college has a child and has gotten married. More and more wedding invitations and baby shower invites flood my mailbox these days.
I have to admit, I am starting to feel a little left out. I love being a mother, it is without a doubt the most profoundly moving, difficult and beautiful thing I have ever done, or will do, but I am also a woman, a woman who wants and deserves love. More than the love Kayla has for me, more than the love of my family and friends. I want romantic love. And lately it feels like it will never happen.
I don't know how to fix this problem. I don't have much of an opportunity to meet men at my job. Childcare doesn't generally attract available men. I go out on the weekends and the market seems so dismal. I used to love the thrill of the chase, the flirty looks across the bar, the seductive dancing, the buying of drinks and applying of lip gloss. The enticement of a stranger. The carelessness of attraction. I still love the social scene, going to a bar, dancing, but I am not getting anywhere. The men are not interested in a long term connection, only a one night stand, someone to kiss in the dark corners, to stumble out of the bar with. And I can't go there. Not now, not when I have the example I have to be to Kayla in my head at all times. I am not afforded friviolity anymore. I have to be wise in my love life, so as to not harm Kayla. I won't have guys going in and out of her life, toying with her emotions and confusing her. I also strive to find someone who loves Kayla, loves her like I love her, like everyone in her life loves her. This task seems impossible. To find a man, my age, reasonably attractive, with a job, intelligent, who loves Kayla and who treats me well, who is ready for the responsibilities of us, our baggage, our craziness, seems like it will never happen.
I have recently sought an alternative dating experience. I signed up for online dating, at the urge of my boss. I have had lots of emails, and one seems worthwhile. But I am so nervous, and hesistant, about bridging the gap between a computer screen and real life. There is no accounting for accuracy, truth and of course, the ever elusive chemistry. So maybe it happens, maybe it doesn't.
In the meantime, how do I get over the feeling of being stuck in quicksand- not being able to move from where I am? The whole world seems to be in love and procreating...where do I sign up for that? I have a child, maybe I shouldn't complain when there are some people who can't have children, but I want more, and I want that unspoken support system of a significant other. I want to be worn out from children using me as their own personal jungle gym all day and come home to someone who will just wordlessly soothe me. I want things to be easier, even if that means just knowing that someone else will read Kayla a book tonight so I can have five minutes peace. I'm not pretending every day will be great, love is messy sometimes, a lot of times, and I crave that too. I am ready for all of it, that human connection in all its complexities.
So here I am, ready for the next step. I've done all I can do on my own. I have a house, I have a car, I am in school, I am raising a child...so now I am ready to carve a corner out for love, once again.